What are you holding on to? What are you storing inside because you believe no one cares or wants to help or even can help? I was storing grief. Lots and lots of unprocessed grief, because I believed that expressing it just made things worse.
This morning I gave all that grief – years and years of it – to the Lord. I had a howling melt-down in my kitchen. Thank the Lord I stayed home from church and my guys went on without me. I would have hated to have had that noisy, messy breakdown in public!
So now He has my grief and I feel better. If I am going to be loved, I must be known. To be known by God means no more hiding from Him.
So why was I stuffing all that grief? Shortly after receiving Jesus, I joined a Word of Faith church where I was taught that my blessings depended utterly upon MY faith. Well, I didn’t even know what faith was. To be completely honest, I did not trust anyone to have my best interests at heart. Let’s just say that I brought some baggage into my walk with the Lord. Oh OK! I brought a lot of baggage.
At the same time, I was distraught over my young son being intellectually challenged. When I was told that God would heal him, if I would only believe, then I was on it with all my strength: willing into existence, decreeing, believing, quoting scriptures, making a positive confession, striving, striving, striving, because I believed my little boy’s well-being depended upon my efforts. Eventually, I would become overwhelmed and crack, melting down and weeping for days. Of course, that meant that I had to start believing God all over again, because I had blown my son’s healing by feeling actual human emotion and expressing actual human anguish and doubt. Until one day, after many years of this, I quit trying and the tears dried up.
That little boy is 40 years old now and still intellectually challenged. But I no longer believe that his well-being is my sole responsibility. Over the years, I have intentionally pursued inner healing and deliverance, studying many different schools of thought, so that I could learn to accept being genuinely loved by my good Shepherd who tenderly cares for me AND for my son. Little by little, I have settled into the rest of the Lord. And you know what? The Lord is safe. I can be myself with Him, feeling what I feel and thinking what I think. He is my friend through it all, patiently guiding me into all truth. And you know what else? My feelings and my thoughts – even my perception of reality – are steadily changing, shifting, and adjusting until they align with His.
Do I believe God heals? Yes. I really do. Because the Lord has promised and He is not a man that He should lie. Do I stress over it? I have good days and bad days, but more and more good days.
So now, after my messy, loud kitchen meltdown, I am feeling better because I have shared my grief with the Lord. If I am going to let God love me, then I must let Him know me.
What are you hiding from the Lord? I think I have hidden it all: unbelief, fear, anger, resentment, pain … and a truckload of grief. No more hiding. He wants to know me and I want to be known.
God bless, Susan
