It was supposed to be a small family gathering to celebrate my engagement to Sam, but it turned into a nightmare for me. A few days before, the scissors I was using slipped and stabbed deeply into my thumb. The subsequent tetanus shot left me feeling awful. So I was already sick and feeling anxious about being around my toxic family when I got cornered in the dining room – backed against the cabinet housing Mom’s prized Japanese dishes. My outgoing, cheerful fiancé was right there as my mother and brother gleefully dredged up past deeds done before I knew Jesus – things that I was deeply ashamed of. Mortified, I escaped as quickly as I could, the party ruined.
Back home in my own city, I vented my embarrassment and rage to the Lord. “I don’t want anything from them,” I declared. “But they will be polite to me from now on.”
I didn’t realize God was helping me draw my first boundary. Years later as I studied for inner healing ministry, I recognized that I had few if any personal boundaries. Not surprising considering that boundaries didn’t exist in my family. Learning that I had none was good, but I still had no idea how and when to draw a line. Even my faith added to the confusion because I thought Christian love meant taking anything from anyone. I missed that God’s love includes boundaries for the good of all.
Recently I was washing dishes and wrestling with how to manage a family member’s intrusive chaos when the Lord shared some wisdom. He said that setting appropriate boundaries honors Him while allowing people to freely dump chaos into the home dishonors Him and helps no one. Remember Adam kicking over God’s boundary in the garden? Look at the dishonor and hurt that followed. We still do it – either ignoring boundaries or making them so restrictive they become prisons. It’s a mess.
I think the hardest boundaries to set and maintain are with family. And I think it’s hardest for those of us whose boundaries were ignored or violated when we were children. For me setting a boundary produced so much anxiety that it was easier to just tolerate bad behaviors and excessive demands. I felt like I was courting trouble if I insisted that family members, or anyone for that matter, be at the very least polite.
Knowing that God is honored when I set a healthy boundary has been a big help. I still need His guidance. I want the boundaries I set to be wise, kind, and necessary. Perhaps you are like me struggling to even know what a healthy boundary looks like. Let’s ask God for His help in setting and respecting good boundaries.
God bless and keep you,
Susan
